Everyday Spirituality

Posts tagged ‘pain’

The Caterpillar Ultimately Flies Away

If we truly believe in the resurrection of Jesus then we must also believe that our loved ones and we too will be resurrected….some day. This Easter weekend, beginning with Holy Thursday, is everything we believe as Christians.

During these last few days we entered into what it means to be a living breathing human being joined with our one redeeming grace…Jesus. He alone enters and relinquishes all doubt.

He alone gives meaning to suffering and joy.

Sharing a meal with friends…being betrayed by loved ones…being loved by relatives…suffering without guilt…loneliness in a crowd…false accusations…humiliation…comfort from by standers…assistance from a stranger…forgiveness of offenders…absorbed in prayer…acting according to the will of the Father

If Easter stirs nothing else within our souls it should be that God the Father keeps his promises. Death is but a passage into something far greater and more beautiful than life itself.

Easter is about dying to those things in my life that are not important.

Easter is about realizing that all things pass on into something more; and sometimes we are blessed to catch a glimpse…the Resurrection.

Just when we foolishly or mistakenly think that the tomb is empty it is actually filled with the life of the spirit. Our human eyes have only limited vision. Even in the Gospels those who saw the resurrected Jesus often did not recognize him or mistook him for someone else. Perhaps seeing the resurrected Jesus was much like seeing in a dream…where things can be confusing.

Easter teaches us that when we surrender and let go God does carry us the rest of the way. Easter shows us that what we see with our eyes is not the complete picture.

Easter is like the hidden egg in the yard; in plain sight except to the hunter. In spite of the contrast (in color) the egg is often still missed; missed because we become frantic in our search and intent with filling our basket. We rush around ‘helter skelter’ overlooking so much.

Jesus did live his life doing amazing things. But he also lived his life doing ordinary things just as we and our loved ones have done. It is through living our ordinary life that we are given the promise of an extraordinary eternity.

Easter gives me hope that someday when we are reunited with our loved ones. We will see with new eyes and the brilliance will be more than we could have imagined.

You cannot experience great joy without first experiencing great suffering.

 

Death must always come before the glory of the Resurrection!

The Caterpillar Ultimately Flies Away!

 

 

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~ The Numbness of Grief ~

Sometimes I just want to go to the top of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs. There seems to be no release. Days go by and the heaviness of grief is numbing. I can understand why people get caught up in drugs and even those who cut themselves…sometimes you just want to feel something intense. Day after day you guard your emotions.

If I could dance I would be putting my feelings into some wildly expressive dance where everything could pour forth in silence. Reaching out far, stretching up high. The emotions could explode from the very core of my soul. Would dance soothe this deep inner pain? I can only perform this dance in the recesses of my mind while listening to music repeatedly.

 

The numbness of grief has a pain unique to itself unlike any other. It is a pain that sears your from the inside out. A pain you cannot hide from…a pain you cannot run away from.

If I was an accomplished pianist I would sit at the piano and play with such passion anyone listening would experience the intensity of the magnitude of my pain. Composer/Pianist, Michael Allen Harrison in his composition Fly Away best captures this state of grief for me. It is a heaviness played in the low bass clef and yet there is a light melody creating a delicate balance and then the oboe comes in with tears of lament. The tempo is like a solid drone. Life continues, the sun rises and the sun sets, but it will never be quite the same. The drum beat keeps everything moving forward with heavy footsteps.

 

Grief makes you want to turn yourself inside out, exposing who you truly are inside. I am at the foot of the cross with the Blessed Mother weeping and holding on to what I was taught and have believed since childhood. I am not alone, but I my tears are held close to my heart.

Do others have the right to enter into your personal space of grief?

 

Sometimes I think about taking a feather pillow and ripping it open; throwing all of the feathers into the air. Watching the soft white feathers slowly, quietly drifting one by one back to the ground, I find a comforting thought.

 

Tenderness is how I treasure the many memories…the times that can no longer be shared.

I have been reading Job and the Mystery of Suffering by Richard Rohr today and listening to music. Throughout the book of Job it is easy to identify with how abandoned he feels by God while at the same time being convicted of God’s love for him.

“If we take happiness from God’s hand,

must we not take sorrow, too?” Job 2:10

 

I had no plan to write these words today; they just flooded into my heart. I really cannot comprehend what my life would be like without music. Music is a spiritual experience for me almost mystical. Music is a retreat in the space of a few precious minutes. Heaven surely has ‘The’ most beautiful music. All of the different instruments harmonizing together remind me of the Body of Christ, the angels and saints worshiping and praising God together in harmony.

I sit with grief as my daily companion, both day and night. Grief is in my dreams. Grief walks beside me like the grim reaper.

I choose life.

I choose to walk in the light.

I choose to embrace all that is part of my journey here on this earth.

 

Below is a link for Fly Away by Michael Allen Harrison

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