Just before Christmas I tripped on the sidewalk coming back from the mailbox. Well of course as I am trying to pick myself up from the ground I am also looking around to see if my neighbors saw my tumble. I scratched my glasses, cracked a front tooth and I sliced both of my knees.
Why am I writing about this now? This happened almost exactly four months ago and my knees still have very visible ugly scars. I do not know of these will ever completely disappear. Whenever I bathe or shave my legs I am reminded of the day I tripped on the sidewalk.
I feel the same way about losing my friend only there is not just one scar on my knee. There is this scar that you cannot see with the naked eye, but yet you know it is there. A scar on the skin gradually gets lighter in color…it becomes less sensitive, but it is still there. A scar on the skin loses some of its sensitivity.
Death is like a scar on your heart. At first it is very sensitive and painful,
but gradually the pain lessens.
Instead of associating the scar on your skin with the cause; the scar of the heart is associated with those things you miss most about the person…things you did together…things that were shared…things that were said…
There seems to always be something that reminds you of the person…
it is like a scar that never goes away.
I know that there will always be something that reminds me of her. Someday these memories will come to be associated with happy memories. Someday I will look at the scars on my knees and not remember the details of the day I tripped on the sidewalk.
I look forward to the days of happy memories free of any the pain of loss.
Scars of the heart will eventually soften, but they will forever be a part of who I am.
“Just a little more time, Dear Jesus, just a little more time.”
And then a flash…I am kneeling at the feet of Jesus not washing them with my tears, but asking him to please help me to accept that which I cannot change. Serenity is not a word I use in my daily conversation.
I cannot control the way I feel, I cannot make these feelings go away. Wait! I do not want to make these feelings go away. I want to feel this pain of loss; I want to feel this sense of helplessness, I want to feel this true sense of surrender.
My friend and I for over twenty years have walked together through thick and thin. We have been there for each other in good times and in bad times. We have comforted and consoled one another and now I just want to hold her tiny frail body close to my heart. To whisper words to her heart that she can take with her to heaven.
To be sure we have also had our times when we disagreed, but it did not matter because in the end it was our mutual love for one another that was stronger. And yes she fusses at me from time to time when I have moments of self doubt.
We pray together. We eat Cheetos together. We laugh until our jaws ache and tears well up in our eyes. We invite the Holy Spirit to be present in everything we prepare.
I just want to hold her tiny frail body in my arms and tell her how much I wish I could make her all new.
But wait; I love butterflies. Butterflies exemplify what the beauty of life after death…resurrection…must truly be like…emerging from what appears to be death only to be a creature totally different and more beautiful than before…more graceful…more joy filled. Free to soar where before only limited to creeping and crawling on the ground or on tree limbs. Butterflies are fragile you cannot hold them and you cannot caress them, but yet they bring great joy. They drift peacefully in the sky landing on a flower sipping nectar, catching some of the sun’s warmth.
Free to soar!
Will she be free to soar?
Click here to Visit CarePages today!
CARE PAGES is the first site dedicated solely to helping patients, their families and their friends cope with the emotional difficulties caused by a health event. It offers free, self-created web pages that make it easy for these individuals to talk to and comfort each other, plus unique resources to guide them on what to do and say during these experiences. Today, millions of members from 190 countries participate in this nurturing community. CarePages, Inc. is part of Revolution Health Group LLC whose goal is to empower people to take control of their health care.
My friend has been in critical care for the past month and through the use of care pages we have bee able to get updates from her husband and other family members. Another wonderful feature about care pages is that her friends can post messages and the family can read and print them out for the patient.
My friend is in need of a lung transplant , but is too ill to undergo the serious surgery. The doctors are trying everything at their disposal to restore her to good health.
Many people from across the country are praying for her. I do believe in the power of prayer. I invite you to join us in praying for a miracle for this wonderful giving dynamic gifted woman. Truly a daughter of God. She calls herself a princess, since God is our King.