Since the death of my friend, life seems to be more content to walk around the same track day after day.
The scenery seems so stagnant and unchanged. All things are moving, but I do not seem to be able to experience the expansion of ideas and thoughtsany more. I do not see the best direction to pursue.
I ask myself, ‘why are you just surviving?’
I do not think this is depression, but it is not where I expected to be by now. I watch others fulfill their dreams while I seem unable to see the way. It is so frustrating to have something inside that you just cannot take out.
There are treasures that must be kept locked away for safety, but creativity and dreams should not remain hidden away. They are meant to be released…set free.
Is there something inside of me that is resisting moving on and actually thriving without her? How can one really know? I know for sure she would want our ministry to flourish. We had this exact conversation before her death. So what is holding me back? What is the problem?
In a couple months it will be her first death anniversary. Wow, where has the time gone? Much does happen over a ten month period, just not what I had hoped.
Maybe I am just impatient. Losing your best friend and business partner at the same time is a significant event.
We were just on the brink of realizing what it meant to have a thriving ministry.
After the death of a loved one maybe it is not unusual to sort of cocoon yourself for awhile…a year even. I have observed others who deal with such a loss by keeping super busy. Either way that makes it more healing for you to handle the loss it is still a huge void in your heart.
What should my head talk sound like? Should I have set a goal to be over grieving? Grieving is not cleaning up a glass of spilled milk. Grieving is not tearing a page from your journal. It is just not that easy. Grieving is actually very complicated. Grieving comes over you in waves, sometimes sneaking in like a cold fog and next time like a bulldozer shoving everything out of its path.
After awhile you no longer express your grieving process with others. There is little chance that they are in the same boat, and this could be a good thing.
As time moves on your grieving process becomes more internalized like an old friend. It almost becomes comfortable to go there.
I am working to get back to thriving. I think thriving means to be passionate about your life. When you are passionate about something everything else looks brighter.
Consider the examples around you that exemplify the meaning of thriving.
The dictionary says: Thriving means to prosper and grow…a condition beyond mere survival, implies growth and positive development…To grow vigorously; flourish.
Even the tiniest of bonsai trees can be specimens of what it means to thrive.
The size of something does not determine its ability to thrive.
All things have the potential to thrive even when it seems obscure to the casual observer.
My desire is to recapture the environment to once again thrive in life.
Surviving is not where I want to remain forever. Surviving may actually keep you from thriving. If you can only focus on surviving is there room to thrive.
Just maybe you must surrender in order to thrive. You must surrender to the way things are in order to move into a place to thrive.
Maybe thriving today does not look like I had envisioned it two years ago.
I am not satisfied with only surviving; and probably never have been.
I am open to embracing a new model of what it means to thrive.
What is truly thriving in your life?
When you discover what it is; hold it in your heart.